STRETCHY LOVE

I was at the first wedding of one of our five adult kids. The event was 
loaded with land mines. Former spouses my husband and I had avoided 
for years would be prominent.  We had just met the extended family our son was
going to join. There were people devoted to science who were evangelical Atheists 
and another crew of Fundamental Christians.
It was a lavish week-end event.  We enclosed in an campground with cabins all closely connected.

Stuff ensued. I ended up having a massage next to my former husbands wife. No walls.
(California!) My massage guy kept asking why my muscles were so tight!! My husband had to use the bathroom and didn't want to go back to our cabin. He walks into what he thinks is our son's room and there taking naps is his ex-wife and husband. Everyone (as in everyone) called me by David's former wife's name because her's began with a 'J'.  People mistook my daughter to be my now husband's and his former wife's because she looked like that tribe. You get the idea.

So--It was my turn to speak at the Rehearsal dinner.  It was dusk, the swimming pool was filled with floating candles. The overly careful non-denominational, more like group therapist, officiant had tuned out, exhausted by everyone holding their breath to get through the evening.

And so I said, "It looks to me like we are in need of love that stretches. This couple unites us. They are loved by all of us. They can get pieces of love like a jig-saw puzzle they have to put together or we can stretch that love to include all of the differences of opinion, all the past hurts, all the political disagreements and be a large circle of love and support. AND  have a good time. May our kids pick the best from all of us and forgive the rest." What followed was the largest group sigh I have ever heard and the party began.

We need that kind of stretchy love now. You don't love and then stretch. That's easy. We have to stretch into love before we actually love and understand that it hurts like any other stretch and makes us sore after---and stronger. 

 (PS--my outfit  was prettier than any other ex-wife there!!)

THE ULTIMATE LEARNING LABORATORY--MARRIAGE

Today, David and I have been married 32 years--we think. We relied on our sister-in-law, the family historian, to tell us how long we'd been married. She died three years ago and I still want to call her to be sure of the number of years. You do have to admit that February 19th is a really, really nondescript date for a wedding. We were too busy to notice. We moved to Maine from Illinois with our combined five kids, three days before school started, with no jobs and two houses unsold in Illinois. (We did what???)  Sounds more imposing when I write it. Anyway, here we are, who we are and what we've done---and learned.

—Fear motivates boldness. I got a job in three days time and kept on tap dancing until I kind of
   sort of retired ten years ago. (yep)

—We both were willing to love one another's children. If you're going to be a step family, the kids
     better be great people. Ours were. All five.They are still teaching us how to grow up.

—If you want a wide awake marriage, it will be uncomfortable a lot of the time. We chose not to 
    go to sleep on the job.

—Physical touch matters. I'm just saying. Even this kind--we hold hands in the night even if
   we are so not happy with one another, based on my dad's admonition to never go to bed angry.
   Well, we do, but we reach out.

—Our styles are incredibly different and irritating to one another. Our values and grit and 
   work ethic and love of our kids are not. Guess which matters more? (On a good day, anyway)

—We fight. Yes, we do. And we are so much better at it now.We know how to short circuit the 
   crazies and clear the gunk

—We get and honor the commitment of marriage. It is THE stake in the ground. And commitment is that x factor 
   that builds the bridge from the tough times to the good to the better. Doesn't that sound easy? Not.

—We are both more demanding and more understanding of one another

—We have not been good about celebrating our crazy glue marriage. Like I said, we were too busy.
   So it is time and that's what I'm doing

I am celebrating 32 years of marriage with David. Wow. I used to renew our marriage like a library book, a few weeks at a time. I now have a life time subscription. Wow. To you with easy peasy marriages, Congrats. To the rest of us. Wow. 

PS--It's been 33 years. Our brother-in-law just called!!

   

MA IN HER KERCHIEF AND PA IN HIS CAP

I can feel myself regret saying this as I write it. But here goes—I love a great big fat snow storm.
"Toba, toba, toba." You move the palm of your hand back and forth over your lips 3 times as you say the words as a way to protect you from what you've just said. (A helpful Bangladeshi superstition)  

I love:
--the monochromatic palette
--smoke from a neighbor's chimney
--how cozy becomes prominent
--having candles and matches ready
--the suspension of life as usual
--empty streets
--the untouchedness of the snow 
--how good a can of soup can taste
--using the extra big puff on the bed
--having a fireplace
--pop corn is mandatory
--cancellations, cancellations
--the suspension of time
--realizing the blessing of electricity and heat
-- the reminder that nature is huge (not Yuge)
--sensing  my Midwest prairie pioneers ancestors
--ma in her kerchief and pa in his cap taking a long Winter's nap

TOBA, TOBA, TOBA!!

TRANSGENDER SKILLS RATHER THAN ROLE RIGIDITY

This is a true truth burp, meaning this thought popped into my head and I won't know what I mean until I write about it.
Both fun and nerve wracking.

Here's the thought. Women wanted to be seen as equal to men in intrinsic value, work, and life,and knew they actually were equal already in terms of ability and talent. All they needed was equal opportunity. Just read the bumper stickers from the 70's.

What I wonder is, are men able to be equal to women in intrinsic value, work, and life. Do they want to be? I'm thinking of many young mothers irritated and disgusted by their parenting partner who doesn't help enough without being asked and when they help aren't seen as good enough. Is their learning curve (cliff) larger than women being equal to men (better).

Do we need to be more transgender in skills and attitude as we share, switch,and adapt to what used to be gender specific abilities.  So women need to be equally adept at the feminine and the masculine. Men need to be equally adept at the masculine and the feminine. No one gets sole possession of the gender mode. Neither is superior. Skills can be taught not inherited through DNA.  And maybe, we need new names for masculine and feminine modes. 

If we are going to be confused about gender roles, then lets' get fluid and respectful and patient with learning how to use both and not have a locked in, fixed point of view and war.

I think this is what I had on my mind.

I'M IN A RANDOM KIND OF MOOD -la da da dada

May just be too much coffee, but join me as I ramble.
I think the my title came from the song I WANT A SUNDAY KIND OF LOVE.
Who knows what lurks in our memory tunes file?

So:
—My daughter The Megan Jo Wilson did a CD release party last night. She was stunningly direct with her audience loving and coaching them while having fun with her music cohorts AND singing with a unique voice her own unique words of songs she wrote. She dropped f bombs while standing for love and purpose and boldness.
She rang and sang true. My son asked me how it felt to see his sister on stage in such a commanding moment.
"Was I nervous. Was I proud? Was it weird?" I answered, "No, not nervous making or weird. She's a pro at whatever she does." Proud? Of course I was with the kind of relief a parent has when an adult child steps full into who they are."  I later, laughed. After all, she is 44 years old and I am 72. I can step back and enjoy. Although I did provide red licorice for all the tables AND advised Preparation H for under her eyes when an allergy of some kind threatened to give her a balloon face!!  BUY HER CD--TIN. Digital or hold it in your hands. Five great songs.

—I'm obsessed with watching The Magnificent Century which is about Sulieman The Great, leader of the Ottoman Empire.  It was produced in Turkey. I watch in Turkish with English Subtitles although you can watch it in English. I like the sound of the Turkish and am picking up some words. (I should. There are 48 episodes)
It's a combination of Downton Abbey in Constantinople and Bollywood and a Mexican Soap Opera.
Palace intrigue galore. Based on historical events. I love a new obsession and will retreat from this writing to reading a new book on The Ottoman Empire. I am so undereducated in history. 

Tomorrow I will go to Susan Collins office (a Maine Senator) to deliver a petition encouraging her to oppose the 
nomination of Betsy DeVos for Secretary of Education. It's my husband, David's birthday tomorrow, so I could back out. Three months ago I would have. Not today. BUT guess what I just did. I went online and applied for the position of Secretary of Education. Took me two hours and I laughed as I did it. I would love to go into this Lion's Den with sincere efforts to do good. 

Last bit of random?
I hate the term self-care.  I'm not so great at it, but still I picture us wallowing in steam rooms and massage offices having manicures and pedicures and self helping ourselves while Rome burns. However I have bought the book Pu——y to reclaim myself so I am on trend!! (Who am I kidding? I can't even write the word) I guess I think self-care is what you do in order to be nourished enough to do good work but but but not so much that it becomes the work. 

GET ME TO THE NUNNERY ——OR THE NEAREST HOTEL

When I began to travel for business, especially internationally, I heard most people complain about the barren hotel rooms with too many pillows and germs. What can I say? I loved and love a hotel room of my own. For an extroverted woman executive with a large family and an old (yes lots of character) home, a fresh hotel room was heaven.

First of all it was neat and I didn't have to create the neatness. What? Neat!  And so was I.  "Stuff" was finite based on my suitcase. Minimal clutter. I could do neat. I could maintain this little pocket of neatness.

Not every woman (although recommended by Virginia Wolf) has a room of her own. Hell, sometimes a closet on one own gets invaded. No need to share or accommodate anyone but me.

Occasionally there was luxury and great service. Many times not so much. I learned to 
pack a candle which did the trick for me to create a spot of warmth and beauty. Regardless, the room was wonderfully anonymous. Packed up parts of me could emerge. I could literally hear myself think.

A new hotel room (with some time to spend in it) calmed my hectic habit.
It allowed me to listen to me. I relaxed deeply (didn't own fixing a damn thing)
and cleared gunk out of my soul and system. I rested. I clarified thoughts and feelings and priorities. No meditation needed. Being in the room that wasn't mine was its own meditation.
I left the room better aligned, me with me. 

Why am I talking about hotel rooms? Because I'm not ready to talk about
The Women's March. Of course I walked. I am now at the sage stage of feminism.
I find myself slightly stunned at the hub-bub we live in now. All of us. 
And so I am quiet until I am ready to speak. 

Where is that darn room key anyway?

HOPE FOR ME IS NOT---"The Thing With Feathers"

Today, the air will be filled with quotes of Martin Luther King, especially his words of hope and endurance. I had picked a few to share myself but knowing there will be a glut of King quotes
I began to look at other quotes about hope.

Wow. Want trite? Pap? Shallow encouragement? Go take a look at quotes on hope. But some caught my eye and rang true or rang funny or rang. Before I share them, I thought I should try my hand at talking about hope.

Mmmmm. Hawwww. Well, then. 
OK. 
Sometimes I go look for hope when I'm on empty. That usually means I make myself get active in some way. I make myself stretch to do work I don't want to do, to do something for someone else when I don't feel like it. That activation brings about some kind of energy, some priming of the pump and I get my hope back. There it is. I have my reservoir of optimism full and it fuels hope.

OR, I have unexpected fun, I laugh, I give up, I think "Oh what the hell" or I do something spontaneous, naughty, dumb rule breaking and suddenly there is joy energy which gives me hope energy for challenge. 
Hope feels like a slow drip of joy that involves waiting without despair. Not exuberant but
steadfastly positive.

PHEW. Glad that's over. You try talking about hope!
Here are some more quotes about hope that keep it real:

“If you are going through hell, keep going
― Winston S. Churchill

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silversteining


“Hope is the power of being cheerful in circumstances that we know to be desperate.”― G.K. Chesterton

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” 

― Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten:

“If you're reading this...
Congratulations, you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is.” 
― Chad Sugg, Monsters Under Your Head

tags: anything-can-be, hope, impossible, inspirational, musn-t, possibilities, shouldn-t, won-t

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