Monday, April 28, 2014

FUTILITY HAS ITS UTILITY EVEN WHEN IT COULD CARE LESS

I have been hit hard by a tragic death--that of my son's business partner and intimate friend since high school.  Car crash.  Young, two little ones, wife.  I'm sure you know the story.

I have been thrown into a place of too much perspective.
Looking at the long run and history and the tiny impact of the individual life.
Feeling futile. 
And then freed by futility to let go of stuff I don't care about.
As in who gives a ---- (choose your preferred word)
I don't have to do anything because nothing matters.
Gets you to the simple place of only the essence.
One of mine is writing.  I want to write even when I feel futile.
Another is reading.  I want to read (about futility) even when I feel futile.
I want to hear from my kids even when I feel futile
I want to sit still until something moves me.  If not, let me be. Who cares?

So there you have it. The utility of futility.
A clarifier.

My humor is coming back so healing starts.  You know what popped me back into play.  I found the lost key to my office.  Bingo. Hope is back.  
I mean really.  Perspective shifts from such tiny impetus.  Not ready for action.
But a glimpse of something good happening begins the turn around.





Tuesday, April 22, 2014

HOW VICTORIAN OF ME!



I know the seven deadly sins.
Are there seven lively virtues?

Anyway I have been thinking of a good old-fashioned virtue so I share it to get it out of my head and onto paper.

FORBEARANCE.  Now I did not have a huge family gathering for Easter, so this is not a reaction to my family reality.  Not that it couldn't be, but it isn't.

I live with a family of certified coaches (which can make all of us certified nuts) and therapists so we are pretty darned good at blunt and very good at expressing love and appreciation.  And we are a combined family so we are also good at knowing when to shut up.  We talk about the amount of adaptation skills it takes to combine five kids into a family just because the parents want to be together. We have ended up with five wonderful adult children--meaning I'd be glad to go on an extended vacation with any one of them.  Pretty good, no?

Forbearance means both tolerance and restraint.  Name a modern issue and see what tolerance and restraint could do to address it.
Middle East?
Putin?
Congress?
Race?
Family tension?

Forbearance takes a strong ego and a managed ego.
It takes knowing when to give and when to take.
It demands knowing how much blunt truth is needed and when.
It knows that blunt truth always does some damage and takes time and trust to repair.
Forbearance knows that it takes a strong self to be able to hold back when needed.

Here's the catch.  Forbearance has to be a shared value, a community behavior or it can be self-victimizing and/or simply promote lying.  So sometimes it has to be taught or named with some blunt truth.  

I think Forbearance could make the world go round much better before it can't anymore.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

THINKING OF TRANSITION/STABILITY RATIO AND CHAOS.




Whoooa.  That sounds like physics and maybe it is.
Then again, I can make the simple complex.
Oops--physics again.

Anyhow.  I am getting ready to leave Mexico for Maine.
A transition.

One of my son's said, "You know, you lose a month out of your life for that Mexico transition.  A week thinking about it, a week doing the logistics of the change and then, on the other side, a week doing the logistics of arriving and a week getting soul and spirit in place." And  we do this transition twice a year.  Two months  of adjustment? Factor in visits with far flung kids.  More transition.  Add life events like deaths and births.  Pile on the people in your life doing the same.  Moving, changing jobs, making and breaking relationships.  New boss, New location, new house, new schools, new job title.

Where did stability go?  I remember in my workplace when we prepared people for change and transition.  We talked about it, we communicated about it, we gave support to people--BEFORE the change occurred. Transition was something that happened in between stable times of people, jobs, relationships, and geography.  

Now I can't even live psychology in one time zone.  I interact intimately with people in five different states of time and mind.  Wine time?  Coffee time?
Oooops too early in the morning time.

So where is and what is stability now?  Do we live in perpetually confused seas?
I think so.  So maybe my cell phone is my home base.  Maybe Facebook is my club house.  Maybe LinkedIn is my office.  Maybe Netflix series are my community and continuity.  Virtual connection can be quite real and satisfying. Maybe that's why people cling to it.  I dont' know. Just thinking out loud.

I do know that silence and an hour alone is my stable place.
Where I am.
Where I stand.
From where I navigate all the other movement in my life.
Stability in a world veering toward chaos.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

WHAT IF TRITE IS STILL TRUE?



I had a discussion with my Mexican neighbor about old sayings or "dichos".
It was fun seeing English sayings through new eyes.
New eyes saw the wisdom.

Try these on with new eyes--as if you had to act on them tomorrow:

-Know thyself.
-You never know what you can do until you try.
-Waste not, want not.
-Variety is the spice of life.
-Don't judge a book by its cover.

What if you made those real and didn't bat them away because of familiarity?

And here are some for fun from my conversation with Pilar.

-Hierba mala nunca muere---A bad weed never dies-give up changing someone
-Peor es chile y aqua lejos---Even worse is a chile and water that's far away so don't feel sorry for yourself
-Hacer de la peidras pan---Make bread out of rocks--sort of if you have lemons
make lemonade
-No le picas peras al Olmo---Don't try to pick pears from an Elm tree.  Face reality.

This conversation began with a salutation for my Birthday.
-Gallina vieja hace buen caldo.
An old hen makes good broth.

Bueno.  What can I say to that!