STRETCHY LOVE

I was at the first wedding of one of our five adult kids. The event was 
loaded with land mines. Former spouses my husband and I had avoided 
for years would be prominent.  We had just met the extended family our son was
going to join. There were people devoted to science who were evangelical Atheists 
and another crew of Fundamental Christians.
It was a lavish week-end event.  We enclosed in an campground with cabins all closely connected.

Stuff ensued. I ended up having a massage next to my former husbands wife. No walls.
(California!) My massage guy kept asking why my muscles were so tight!! My husband had to use the bathroom and didn't want to go back to our cabin. He walks into what he thinks is our son's room and there taking naps is his ex-wife and husband. Everyone (as in everyone) called me by David's former wife's name because her's began with a 'J'.  People mistook my daughter to be my now husband's and his former wife's because she looked like that tribe. You get the idea.

So--It was my turn to speak at the Rehearsal dinner.  It was dusk, the swimming pool was filled with floating candles. The overly careful non-denominational, more like group therapist, officiant had tuned out, exhausted by everyone holding their breath to get through the evening.

And so I said, "It looks to me like we are in need of love that stretches. This couple unites us. They are loved by all of us. They can get pieces of love like a jig-saw puzzle they have to put together or we can stretch that love to include all of the differences of opinion, all the past hurts, all the political disagreements and be a large circle of love and support. AND  have a good time. May our kids pick the best from all of us and forgive the rest." What followed was the largest group sigh I have ever heard and the party began.

We need that kind of stretchy love now. You don't love and then stretch. That's easy. We have to stretch into love before we actually love and understand that it hurts like any other stretch and makes us sore after---and stronger. 

 (PS--my outfit  was prettier than any other ex-wife there!!)

THE ULTIMATE LEARNING LABORATORY--MARRIAGE

Today, David and I have been married 32 years--we think. We relied on our sister-in-law, the family historian, to tell us how long we'd been married. She died three years ago and I still want to call her to be sure of the number of years. You do have to admit that February 19th is a really, really nondescript date for a wedding. We were too busy to notice. We moved to Maine from Illinois with our combined five kids, three days before school started, with no jobs and two houses unsold in Illinois. (We did what???)  Sounds more imposing when I write it. Anyway, here we are, who we are and what we've done---and learned.

—Fear motivates boldness. I got a job in three days time and kept on tap dancing until I kind of
   sort of retired ten years ago. (yep)

—We both were willing to love one another's children. If you're going to be a step family, the kids
     better be great people. Ours were. All five.They are still teaching us how to grow up.

—If you want a wide awake marriage, it will be uncomfortable a lot of the time. We chose not to 
    go to sleep on the job.

—Physical touch matters. I'm just saying. Even this kind--we hold hands in the night even if
   we are so not happy with one another, based on my dad's admonition to never go to bed angry.
   Well, we do, but we reach out.

—Our styles are incredibly different and irritating to one another. Our values and grit and 
   work ethic and love of our kids are not. Guess which matters more? (On a good day, anyway)

—We fight. Yes, we do. And we are so much better at it now.We know how to short circuit the 
   crazies and clear the gunk

—We get and honor the commitment of marriage. It is THE stake in the ground. And commitment is that x factor 
   that builds the bridge from the tough times to the good to the better. Doesn't that sound easy? Not.

—We are both more demanding and more understanding of one another

—We have not been good about celebrating our crazy glue marriage. Like I said, we were too busy.
   So it is time and that's what I'm doing

I am celebrating 32 years of marriage with David. Wow. I used to renew our marriage like a library book, a few weeks at a time. I now have a life time subscription. Wow. To you with easy peasy marriages, Congrats. To the rest of us. Wow. 

PS--It's been 33 years. Our brother-in-law just called!!

   

MA IN HER KERCHIEF AND PA IN HIS CAP

I can feel myself regret saying this as I write it. But here goes—I love a great big fat snow storm.
"Toba, toba, toba." You move the palm of your hand back and forth over your lips 3 times as you say the words as a way to protect you from what you've just said. (A helpful Bangladeshi superstition)  

I love:
--the monochromatic palette
--smoke from a neighbor's chimney
--how cozy becomes prominent
--having candles and matches ready
--the suspension of life as usual
--empty streets
--the untouchedness of the snow 
--how good a can of soup can taste
--using the extra big puff on the bed
--having a fireplace
--pop corn is mandatory
--cancellations, cancellations
--the suspension of time
--realizing the blessing of electricity and heat
-- the reminder that nature is huge (not Yuge)
--sensing  my Midwest prairie pioneers ancestors
--ma in her kerchief and pa in his cap taking a long Winter's nap

TOBA, TOBA, TOBA!!

TRANSGENDER SKILLS RATHER THAN ROLE RIGIDITY

This is a true truth burp, meaning this thought popped into my head and I won't know what I mean until I write about it.
Both fun and nerve wracking.

Here's the thought. Women wanted to be seen as equal to men in intrinsic value, work, and life,and knew they actually were equal already in terms of ability and talent. All they needed was equal opportunity. Just read the bumper stickers from the 70's.

What I wonder is, are men able to be equal to women in intrinsic value, work, and life. Do they want to be? I'm thinking of many young mothers irritated and disgusted by their parenting partner who doesn't help enough without being asked and when they help aren't seen as good enough. Is their learning curve (cliff) larger than women being equal to men (better).

Do we need to be more transgender in skills and attitude as we share, switch,and adapt to what used to be gender specific abilities.  So women need to be equally adept at the feminine and the masculine. Men need to be equally adept at the masculine and the feminine. No one gets sole possession of the gender mode. Neither is superior. Skills can be taught not inherited through DNA.  And maybe, we need new names for masculine and feminine modes. 

If we are going to be confused about gender roles, then lets' get fluid and respectful and patient with learning how to use both and not have a locked in, fixed point of view and war.

I think this is what I had on my mind.