Sunday, July 28, 2013

LESSONS FROM AN IN-BETWEEN PLACE

At last, I can put a name to it.
I am in transition, in-between, neither here nor there.
Now that I recognize it,  I can get excited as well as irritated and dis-oriented.

I thought I was recovering from being tossed around by life and death issues.
No, not really.
Grief and joy are really quite clean, easily identified emotions.
You ride them til they are done.

Now I realize that I am in a life skid heading toward something new. And I don't know what. Something is finished and new isn't here.

Here are my symptoms that I recognize that tell me "Here we go again--transition":


  • First of all, it takes me awhile (too long) to realize that I am going through a big shift.
  • My emotions are murky, it's hard to know what i am feeling other than confused.
  • I am exhausted. My insides are changing while my previous external life goes on.  I can feel tired from doing nothing.
  • Nothing pleases me. I can be bitey and not like it or know why.
  • I am easily distracted and it's hard to concentrate.
  • Things I love to do, don't interest me.
  • Social situations irritate me.  I feel like I am wasting my time.
  • I tend to just sit and slobber.  Meaning I am lying fallow whether I like it or not.
  • Taking any initiative feels artificial and oh, so difficult.
  • I am forgetful.
  • I feel generally incompetent.


All of this is because I am not really present.  I'm getting ready to do something else or to be different.  This beginning stage of change can be profoundly dis-orienting and make one (that'd be me) feel nuts.  Unless--you know how to swing through what feels like free fall into your future new grounded place.

So what helps?


  • Know you are in transition.  I feel so much better just talking about it.
  • Be alert to your dreams.  Mine have been repetitious and demanding. (I am looking for a lost car in a parking lot where I used to work before retirement. The parking lot is dark and frozen and deserted.)  Hellooo!  I am looking for a vehicle to take me from an old place and can't find it.  Hmm.
  • Let people know you are in transition so they will cut you some slack for your temporary craziness.
  • Cut back on some activities to give yourself time to see what is pulling at you  naturally.  Look for a  pull where effort comes easily.
  • Mourn some of what you seem to be stepping away from
  • Begin to get more interested in what could be than what is.
  • Practice moments of exhilaration that come from letting go.
  • Look for and allow images to come to you of how it might be in the future.
  • Sleep more.  Move more.  Anxiety from not knowing feeds on exhaustion.
  • Know that major transitions don't come that often so remind yourself that youare moving toward being more alive, more self determining and more aligned with yourself. At least, that is the opportunity you have.


  There is another option too, which is to talk yourself into living with discontent and adaptation. Sometimes that is a viable and necessary choice.  But your body and your soul make a lot of noise if you are truly killing your spirit or joy.  Then it's time to dig into the transition.  See what's there and step into the in-between. That's what I'm doing. When I take that step I  have a sense of excitement.  Carbonation in my stomach. The fun of not knowing as well as all the other stuff.

Some old sage said  that eternity and perfect realization come in the space between two thoughts.  Well then, in-between can't be all bad. 










Monday, July 22, 2013

I'VE BEEN LIVING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN LAZY AND LETHARGIC


And it's not so bad.
The earth has not swallowed me up.
I have not been shunned from human kind

Whether from heat or grief from the death of my brother or pure exhaustion from too many major events in a short time, I have been living from a new place.

My mantra has been "I don't care."
It's been oddly exhilarating.  And, certainly,  liberating.

We had an out of town guest this week.
Didn't grocery shop ahead of time.
Didn't cook.  We ate out every meal.
Didn't "entertain" him.  Talked when I wanted.  Left the room when I didn't feel like talking.

Adult kids came to visit.  (I am a foodie and family equals food to me.)
I eked out one meal.  No snacks in the house.  
Someone asked about dessert--I suggested the local ice cream hut.

I read a little. Mostly magazine articles.
No purpose just meandering through some distracting words.

I did great "work" with my coaching clients because they had to do all the work.
I couldn't/wouldn't.  Too lazy to cancel appointments.

I didn't read email or text.
Too much contact. 

I sat and enjoyed sitting.
I liked my own company best.

Most interesting, I didn't need words--to talk, to read or to write.

Depression?  Wisdom?
Don't know.
But it has been good practice for detachment.
Not making it happen but letting it happen.
I can feel the lists beginning to form.
I can feel new energy building so living in this indifferent place won't last much longer.
But I will remember it fondly.

Someone once said to me, "In life you are either sinking or swimming."
I hated the concept then.  I hate it now.
I am so not going to sink or swim.
I'm going to float for a while.













Sunday, July 14, 2013

LIFE IS TOUGH, SO MAKE IT WORTH THE EFFORT


I have fallen back in love with Joseph Campbell.
He became trivialized with his phrase--"Follow your bliss."-- which is the exact right thing to do with a life.
But it was misinterpreted to mean, Follow your bliss--SO THAT YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

No no no no no no no no!!!

Follow your bliss:
To live your particular life--your authentic life print
To answer the challenge of the Hero/Heroine
To face what you must face to transform yourself
To take the journey from ego and dependence (on people, on stuff, on status) to  self-responsibility and expression.
To mature spiritually
To go forth and make a difference and to come home to  "self" transformed
To listen to the demands of your heart and your spirit
To make friends with fear and the moment of jumping off alone into "new"

Wonderful Campbell statements:

Find the place in yourself that is quiet.  Let action come from that.
Do not be compelled by desire or fear.

Your answer preexists.  It is the question that is needed.

The adventure you are ready for is the adventure that you get.


So don't let your life be tough.  Make it tough. Get ready for your adventure. Choose to answer the Hero/Heroine's call.  Live big.  Live idealistically.  Live true to your heart and soul. Live scared.  Live your particular challenge Live a story worth telling.  If life is tough, regardless, then make it a grand epic.

I love Joseph Campbell





Sunday, July 7, 2013

THOUGHTS FROM A FAMILY TSUNAMI!!!



I've been hit and hit hard by a huge wave of family.
Seven days of 18 people, sometimes 21.
Coming from five states.
Loving one another.
Needing to see, smell, and learn one another anew one more time as we all change and grow.
Needing to come out of caricature into full blown wonderful irritating family members.

In seven days we:
Had a gorgeous brunch on the front porch-all happy to be together looking good.

Had one car accident.

Survived one totally torrentially rainy day that almost broke our back but Rummy Cube and kid videos saved the day.  That and a little late night scotch.

One disaster with bed bugs in one of the houses we used.

Pesticide on the front lawn of our house so no kids could play on it.

A lovely celebration in the early evening of the newest grandchild.  We created a blessing bush (nothing tricky--a bush with blessings hung on it) and gave our favorite childhood books to the new one.

A formal baptism ceremony for the new baby.

An improvised store created by two 5 year olds with stuff they decided I needed to sell.  Silent auction of my jewelry.  I declared bankruptcy and took it all back.  Desparate measures for rainy days.

Created a Game Club in the basement.  Only people who played fair and took turns could enter.  Anyone could get kicked out. Endless negotiating between a five and a six year old.

Constant creation of meals and take-out and clean-up.

One glorious 4th of July beach day with lobster up on a deck overlooking the ocean where everything worked, love abounded, sparklers were awe-inspiring,
all kids cooperated, fireworks could be seen-------until mosquitoes and bedtime wrecked havoc.

Lousy hot good-bye day.  Packing, kids fussing, grown-ups growling under their breath.  Ocean forgotten for coming to home base and grand parents.  More hands needed.  Then  a new wave of energy and all adult children off for a night on their own and happy grand kids with videos and pop corn and grandparents falling asleep in the midst of it all.

Why do I share all of this?

Because so many families are far flung.  We don't get together for only fun and  the perfect moment.  Although I still plan them, they never happen by plan.  Just by serendipity.  And so we enact a microcosm, a hologram of family as if we all lived next door to one another. It fills that void. I share to validate this new type of close but geographically spread tribe.

And because I saw a needed skill for all families that I used by  my wise adult kids.  Perhaps a skill of successful combined families.
Forbearance.  Cutting slack.  Holding back remarks.  Waiting for something to get better.  Affection for foibles.  Managing the self for the good of the whole.
Plain ol' patience.  Forbearance.
Not tucking things under the rug.  Not being a martyr.  Not being quietly furious.  Forbearance.

My thoughts from the debris.  Toys on the lawn (pesticide rained off). Beach towels everywhere.  Kids books under foot.  Kitchen in disarray from so many hands.  Games pieces in random places.  

As a large scattered family that still loves we have more strained catastrophic moments than many but forbearance pulls us through to some of the most 
unexpectedly lovely glorious moments.  Forbearance.  Much needed in our world.



Monday, July 1, 2013

I JUST ATTAINED MATRIARCH STATUS!


All of my tribe is with us in Maine for the 4th of July week-end.
From California, Oregon, Washington, Massachusetts and here in Maine too.

They arrived when my husband and I were still in Indiana attending my brother's Memorial Service.  So things got started without us.

So getting home carried the odd feeling that I had died too.
Things were getting done in the manner than I would have done.
BUT--not exactly.

AND --here I am tap dancing in my head--I soooo let go.

We rented one house near the beach because even I knew we would hate one another at the end of the week if we tried this under one roof.  (16 of us)

All of our kids since they could toddle helped with chores.  They all could pretty much cook by 4th grade.  In other words my husband and I  have never had to carry this family alone.  But we kept the control. In fact there is a written agenda for the week but not written by me.  I consulted.  Now new stage.  Wonderful stage.  Odd stage.  I am a guest at our family reunion!!  


Let the logistics begin!!

Who has the car keys to the rental car?

What time should we gather to go to the play-- one of our crew had written and directed a local play.

Should we put the table on the lawn?  Big debate about pesticide sign on lawn.  (Why did the guys come this particular week?)

Where is dinner tonight?  Which house?  Who's cooking?

We can.  We can't.  Car seats determine decisions mobility.

Where's the baby?

Where did the women all go?  (Shopping!)  What kid went with them?  Head count time.  

Who lost the RummyCube tile?

Where are the car keys?

Should we go to the Sea Dogs game if it drizzles?

My husband and I are still the default  positions for decisions and aesthetics (that's be me).  And mostly out of respect for us.   but now,  I simply say, "Talk to your brother."  "Talk to your sister."   "You guys decide."  

Why didn't I think of this sooner?
Easy.  I didn't want to.
Now I do.

I am the Matriarch!!