Monday, April 27, 2015

HOW MUCH DIFFERENCE CAN A FRIENDSHIP HOLD?



I ask this because I have re-connected with a college friend from my Freshman year when we were inseparable. We even managed to be sure that any guys we dated were friends too. We lost track of one another. On-line-ability re-established our connection. 

We have revelled in how much we are still very much the same two women we were in college. We write often and about anything. Including religion.  And we have discovered areas in which we are very very different.  She is a confirmed Atheist and I, a passionate searcher.  I go to action.  She goes to thought. Her life makes sense, is calm, sanity prevails. My life is too full, with many crazy happenings, my own brand of chaotic creativity. Sometimes the differences are profound and sometimes trivial. There may be an awkward moment.

I am blessed with several intimate friendships.  We maneuver through our differences gracefully.  We tend toward full frankness and trust but know when to soft peddle our sharp edged differences. We protect the relationship more than the content of the friendship. We keep the connection of goodwill even if it gets awkward due to a difference. Hurts occur. Comfort always returns. Trust remains. This friendship dance is one that countries and marriages should learn to do.

So, how much difference can a friendship hold?
All that it needs to.


Monday, April 20, 2015

BEST SELF-HELP TOOL EVER!


I'm thinking of the DNA of my culture which is the United States. We talk a lot.
A whole lot.  If we can't talk, we keep a radio or television or streaming music with us as background. We fill in empty spaces in conversation. Heaven forbid, that there is a pause longer than five seconds. (There are all kinds of cross-cultural studies on this type of observation.)

And we also love love love "self-help" books and speakers and tapes and conferences.  Words, words, words (to make you thin, happy, less anxious,
a better parent, have a better memory) fill the air everywhere.  Improve for Pete's sake!  Do not accept yourself as you are because if you work hard enough you can finally be perfect!!!

And we also work every minute even if we are playing.  Ski more, ski better.
Improve your game. Cook faster. Measure. Improve. Keep score. Win. Your "playing" should be get better and better also.

Here is what I do to detox from this cultural frenzy and constant push.
I wrap myself in SOLITUDE. I sequester myself. Alone. Quiet. No reading. I takes some discipline to enter into solitude. Takes about awhile to settle in. I twitch at first thinking of all I could be doing. But then comes all kinds of good stuff—contentment for no reason, seeing more clearly, literally and a  slowing down of interior babble. Sometimes reflection and insight slide into view.

I don't meditate in any formal way. I just sit and let solitude do its work which aligns my inside and my outside and reminds me of all that is good. No effort. Just SOLITUDE. Cheap too.

Monday, April 13, 2015

17 or 71?


Last week a friend asked me two things: "Do you feel old and what was your favorite decade?"

I don't think much about age at all. I hang-out with people who are younger than I am or much older.  This friend is one of the few age peers I have.
I am seventy-one. Burp, burp. Truth burp. Belch.

Anyway, this is kind of what I said. Yes,"kind of".  Some thoughts are for best friends only.

I feel old when:
—I realize that soon all my kids will be older than 40! 
—I prepare for holidays in installments rather than pulling an all-nighter after a
day of work
—I have at least one doctor appointment a week
—I am embarrassed to dance in public (only slightly and wine helps immediately)
—I'd rather watch exotic travel on TV than pack to do it (I may be lying here)
—I see college classmate photos at reunions (I assume I look just as much a caricature of themselves as I do)

No, I don't care much about being 71 because I feel like a teenage who is 17!
That, I don't like at all:

—I obsess about the opposite sex albeit my husband's health
—Don't want to think about the future so it bites me in the backside
—Don't want any chores and stall about doing them
—Worry about how I look when I go out (I live in fleece and flannel)
—Not sure what my place in the world is 
—Want no consequences for my actions

PS--My favorite decade was my forties!

Monday, April 6, 2015

FOR EVERY 'YES' THERE IS A 'NO'


I wrote this for my leadership blog today but want to do a personal reminder to all of us as we spend our more and more "precious" time.  We often ignore the partner 'no' to our 'yes'. You'll know it's there when you are less engaged than you want to be in your action and when you are irritated by what you are doing. Being half-assed is pure waste  because it avoids the clean 'yes'/'no' sharp edge and demand--no big benefit, no big pain.  
This is true like a law of physics.

The laws of 'yes' and 'no':

l. A 'yes' always has a partner that is 'no'.

2. The bigger the 'yes', the bigger the 'no'.

3. Too many times the partner is invisible.

4. The hidden 'yes' and 'no' can be a very bad surprise.

5. It's important to make the invisible partner to 'yes' or 'no' visible

6. The 'yes'/'no' is not simply a trade-off.

7. The shadow of 'yes' or 'no' is a given, never goes away. 

8. When a decision is painful and avoided, look for the hidden 'yes' or 'no'. Make it conscious and specific.