SELF-NAGGING: THE GOOD AND THE BAD

I self-nag. I assume you do too. It's why choice is such a pain in the neck.
It's why a task that must be done or a medical emergency is sometimes kind of 
relaxing. Truly. Why?  Because there is not much choice involved.

When I have discretionary time, I get two voices going at me at the same time. One is my good nag and the other is my evil nag. "Read that book you're loving" says Good Nag. "Clean that closet, clean that closet" says Bad Nag.

Of course the tricky part is to know the difference between Good Nag and Bad Nag. (I'm getting a Halloween vibe here)  In a workshop, I would have us create and name our Good Nag and Bad Nag.  

The Nags nudge you to action.  Reading the book could be bad in reality and cleaning the closet could be very good.  How do you/I know? 
 Here's how I sort of know:

-If while taking action (book or closet)  I enjoy it while I am doing it. I don't resent it or think I shouldn't be doing it. Good Nag

-If I know that I am acting on a value that matters to me even if I hate the activity. Good Nap

-If the action begins to feel so so burdensome that I can't do it well or finish or
take pride in it. Bad Nag

-If the action is something I would do if the day was one of my last.  Good Nag
Great Nag.

I'll tell you why I care.  ALL TIME IS DISCRETIONARY. EVERYDAY, ALL THE TIME, WE CHOOSE HOW TO SPEND OUR LIVES.

WON'T SOMEONE PUSH ME OFF THE DIVING BOARD, PLEASE

I am in creative agony.  I have written a book and will self publish it soon.
The content is done.  It's not the book I thought I would write first. (I have several lined up)  It's about a less known side of me (or not--we are all so obvious actually). I may have mentioned it here. The title is I Pray Anyway:Devotions for the Ambivalent

I pray. And I am a skeptic and a believer and a perpetually curious searcher 
that can't find one home base or spiritual certainty.  And, still I pray, my way.
The book has a prayer poem for each day of the year and a monthly entry about my personal bumps and bruises from my own religious roller coaster. I share my kind of prayer practice.  

I am shy as the time comes to publish. I want everyone in the world to read it except people I know. But I am ready and eager even BUT I can not get the cover so that it feels just right. I have had many versions and worry that I have ruined them all with too much tweaking.  

So help push me off the diving board.  I WILL HAVE THIS BOOK AVAILABLE ON AMAZON BY NOVEMBER 1ST.  READY OR NOT.  (THERE IS NO READY)  

THANKS CHRISTOPHER

I need the holiday, I'll take it.
But let's remember that this land and people did exist before Chris.
How do we honor a whole history of almost anything?
So much cultural bias and narrative.
We have to let go of the idea of winners over losers.
Somehow.
Somehow.

STALKING JOY

After a lousy week and too much lousy world news, I had lost my joy.
I know I've lost it  when I get locked into sarcasm (usually funny but still sarcasm) and gallows humor.  My optimism takes on a jaded touch of trying too hard. 

I needed to find my joy again. So I dedicated half a day to doing only what gave me joy. Harder than it sounds. Luckily I had time alone.  First you have to remember what your joy feels like and then do what you have to do to stay with it.
Joy to me is like carbonated satisfaction. It's not raucous like happiness, nor indulgent like pleasure. Joy lightens and refreshes and reorients to a kind of positive innocence.  

Here's where my joy took me today:

—I had an invalid morning. Coffee and reading in bed. I only read what grabbed me and changed when I lost the joy in it. I looked at a book with paintings and commentary of Picasso's work. Then I switched to a novel. I never got to the point of boredom because I stayed with joy and changed when i realized I was "doing my duty" in some way.

—I had two phone calls that were going to head into unpleasant tasks. I told both callers that I was having a 'joy' day and I'd deal with tasks on Monday.
Bewildered but acquiescent, they agreed. Triumph. I turned off the phone.
Joy, joy.

—I sat on the porch in the sun and enjoyed the details of window boxes that soon I will destroy. Just stared and enjoyed.

—I gave some time to being sad about sad things--just sat with it until it evaporated and joy re-appeared.  

—I held still a lot. 

—I kept the discipline of shifting actions as my joy did. If it diminished, I waited til the next joy pull came.

—I did some odd task that gave me joy--like clearing a book shelf of 20 books

—I pulled in my antennae that are so sensitive to other people and kept close to myself--attuned to me.

I wish I could explain it better. It is such a good practice to do a reset for joy.
Joy just is, but sometimes needs attention and amplification. On another day, I might have a different list of joy givers. The practice is to stalk and consciously grow your joy.