SUMMERTIME! SUMMER TIME??? IS THERE ANY?

This is not a philosophical question.
Summer used to mean a broad expanse of fluid time, open-ended--one activity (or no activity) transforming into another with no rush or hub-bub.
Activity meant something that happened on your street, not something you were driven to.
At least, for kids, this was true.
Is it still?
Is Summer timelessness a function of childhood or culture?

Oh, how I want it to be true for kids now.
Because I loved the Summer quality of "enough time" and the gifts it gave me.

There was abundant time to:
--Have an ongoing Canasta contest that ran across weeks. The table stayed set-up on the porch.  Scores were kept in blue composition books. Little kids watched older kids play.

--Have a croquet tournament with my best friend that lasted through a whole summer. We were careful to be tied at the end of each day.

--Dream-up an all enveloping world like "Scientist" where we poured water from container to container making magic serum. Tin bouillon tube containers were the best equipment.

--See who could finish a popsicle the slowest. (A pop-sicle had two sticks)

--Decorate bikes with crepe paper wound in the wheel spokes and around the handle bars. Popsicle sticks inserted for click-click sound

--Make a fire fly hotel with everyone contributing their jars covered with wax paper punched with holes and sitting around them in the dark, past bedtime.

--Ride bikes (decorated) around the block one hundred times irritating everyone as we counted and cheered

--Invent games that were harshly refined or given up depending on the staying power of the game to the street as a whole. I will teach my grandchildren one that stays with me called, "I'm Going Away to Smoke My Pipe and I Won't Be
Back Til Saturday Night". This was a winner with a witch and a mom and misbehaving kids and magic that turned them into pies.  

--Make canals in the sandbox, fill them with water and float Ivory Soap boats in them

I say all this as my family gathers for a week long reunion and I already feel the compressed time for play and connection. May it feel like expanded time for
my grandkids when they look back at lobster on the lawn and the childhood games I will teach them. 

LIFE LESSONS FROM A TODDLER

1.  Timing and Transitions either make or break a day.  Learning the timing of switching gears, activities, people, or places has to be graceful like catching a wave with the timing just right. Anticipate and prepare for the change and then move quickly and do it.

2.  Sleep matters. Rituals to relax are key.  So is habit built by consistency.
Lack of sleep turns little things into huge emotional turmoil.

3. My toddler teacher is quite commanding. She is direct. Keeps requests to a few short words said with authority.  Popsicle!  Outside!  Potty now!  The back-up is to lead the other person to what you want and point.

4.  Attractive distraction is a major tool for redirecting energy. The drawing power of each needs to be weighed to the value of the redirect. Talk is not as good as physical example. Want to change from puzzles to drawing?  Put the crayons on the table and begin to move puzzles away.  To leave a playground takes lots of drawing power. Of course food is the best and ice cream the best of the best.  Be positively enthusiastic about what is next.

5.  Punishment doesn't work and carries forward an attitude you will pay for later.  Clapping like a fool for what you like and want does work to create  new behavior.

6.  Please and thank you actually ARE  magic words and never get worn out. Ever. Teenagers take note.  My kids could work me like crazy when they were polite.

7.  Toddlers are just smart enough to be scared. Don't talk them out of it.
Reassure some, teach some, and protect a lot.

8.  Follow behind supporting-- allowing freedom of movement and pace of learning and risk taking. Don't lead or push. Just allow and protect invisibly.

9,  Slow down. Speed ruins everything. One good moment leads to another good moment that leads to another and saves you lots of grief.

10.  Lovely, adorable, smart toddlers can also be boring, trying and exasperating.  Expect it, accept it, complain about it-------so you can go back to seeing the lovely, adorable, smart toddler.

Now substitute, "husband", "boss", "mom" and "me" for "Toddler"

I'VE BEEN MARRIED SEVEN TIMES----

----To the same person!!!  That is a quote from a famous family therapist whose name I can't remember—so much for fame.  He said it to me and I was enraged and, oh so, innocent and young.  Not so young or innocent anymore and more amused than enraged.

He is talking about the eras and stages of any marriage that stays vital and allows for two strong and different people.  For better or for worse, I have one of those. So as we grow and bring new aspects into our individual lives, it almost always irritates the hell out of the other person. We are in a state of continuous adaptation without subjugation. If you don't know what I'm talking about, move on. I'll be here next week. Not everyone wants or can tolerate this type of marriage. Two strong I's and one strong WE is the goal.

Anyway, when one person throws the relationship equilibrium out of sync, there is usually a period of irritation followed by negotiation and then a new normal.

This can take a year or a day depending on the depth of the change. "I want to sleep on the other side of the bed" may take a couple of days. "I want to change careers" is a whole other animal.

Why am I talking about this?

ONE is because I think my husband and I have graduated into a new stage after about five months of bickering, then real talks, then real negotiation, then resolution. It takes a willingness to stay in strong disagreement without turning every moment go to hell. In a long term marriage, there is experience that this canl happen so the intensity level doesn't have to go as high. Doesn't HAVE to. Still may. Quick recovery is the key. And I think we are through another narrow passage.

TWO is because he has just published five books on relationship stuff that has helped us to be married at least seven times to one another.

Here they are:
Starting Right
Marriage Conflict
Intimate Marriage
Talking Together
Healing A Marriage

All the books are clear and wise and real.  Go to Amazon under David E Sanford.
We are in a new stage because he is not glued to his computer.
But to laugh, I am working on several books and want to be glued to mine!!
That's what I mean about making room for two people in one marriage.

AREN'T WE LUCKY!!!!

I have a dear friend who I see regularly.  We share our ups and downs.
But lately we've been sharing mostly downs.
And then we feel guilty because we have darned good lives.
I mean, we are not Afghan women.

So, when we are in the middle of a good complaint session, one of us
will laugh and say, "Aren't we lucky".  And then we laugh.  It's both sarcastic and a course corrector.  Then we will list why we are lucky and it gets hysterically funny and then shifts into giving it perspective.

For example, she called when she had two feet of water in her basement
which she found when she returned home at 11 at night. She roused the plumber and he unhappily came. BUT he wouldn't go into the water til the electricity was turned off and that was in the basement under water. So she called the fire department that came blaring and were hesitant to go in til it was drained. It was a burst pipe so the water was continuing to rise. She asked for a pair of boots to go in herself.  I don't remember the resolution.  I do remember her phone call of distress and that I listened and the said, "Aren't we lucky?"

—Aren't we lucky that there is such a thing as a plumber that got out of bed?
Aren't we lucky that the firemen were cute?  Aren't we lucky that ruined stuff clears out clutter? Aren't we lucky that sleep doesn't matter? —

Anyway, you get the idea.
AREN'T WE LUCKY?????????????