At last, I can put a name to it.
I am in transition, in-between, neither here nor there.
Now that I recognize it, I can get excited as well as irritated and dis-oriented.
I thought I was recovering from being tossed around by life and death issues.
No, not really.
Grief and joy are really quite clean, easily identified emotions.
You ride them til they are done.
Now I realize that I am in a life skid heading toward something new. And I don't know what. Something is finished and new isn't here.
Here are my symptoms that I recognize that tell me "Here we go again--transition":
- First of all, it takes me awhile (too long) to realize that I am going through a big shift.
- My emotions are murky, it's hard to know what i am feeling other than confused.
- I am exhausted. My insides are changing while my previous external life goes on. I can feel tired from doing nothing.
- Nothing pleases me. I can be bitey and not like it or know why.
- I am easily distracted and it's hard to concentrate.
- Things I love to do, don't interest me.
- Social situations irritate me. I feel like I am wasting my time.
- I tend to just sit and slobber. Meaning I am lying fallow whether I like it or not.
- Taking any initiative feels artificial and oh, so difficult.
- I am forgetful.
- I feel generally incompetent.
All of this is because I am not really present. I'm getting ready to do something else or to be different. This beginning stage of change can be profoundly dis-orienting and make one (that'd be me) feel nuts. Unless--you know how to swing through what feels like free fall into your future new grounded place.
So what helps?
- Know you are in transition. I feel so much better just talking about it.
- Be alert to your dreams. Mine have been repetitious and demanding. (I am looking for a lost car in a parking lot where I used to work before retirement. The parking lot is dark and frozen and deserted.) Hellooo! I am looking for a vehicle to take me from an old place and can't find it. Hmm.
- Let people know you are in transition so they will cut you some slack for your temporary craziness.
- Cut back on some activities to give yourself time to see what is pulling at you naturally. Look for a pull where effort comes easily.
- Mourn some of what you seem to be stepping away from
- Begin to get more interested in what could be than what is.
- Practice moments of exhilaration that come from letting go.
- Look for and allow images to come to you of how it might be in the future.
- Sleep more. Move more. Anxiety from not knowing feeds on exhaustion.
- Know that major transitions don't come that often so remind yourself that youare moving toward being more alive, more self determining and more aligned with yourself. At least, that is the opportunity you have.
There is another option too, which is to talk yourself into living with discontent and adaptation. Sometimes that is a viable and necessary choice. But your body and your soul make a lot of noise if you are truly killing your spirit or joy. Then it's time to dig into the transition. See what's there and step into the in-between. That's what I'm doing. When I take that step I have a sense of excitement. Carbonation in my stomach. The fun of not knowing as well as all the other stuff.
Some old sage said that eternity and perfect realization come in the space between two thoughts. Well then, in-between can't be all bad.
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