I AM SO RELIEVED TO KNOW I'M HAPPY

Don't ask me why I'm relieved to know I'm happy, But I am.  Deep down happy.
On the surface of life, the day to day, maybe not so much.
Lately, I've been irritated and balancing all kinds of conflict and not laughing enough. 

BUT, today I got affirmation that I'm happy.
Deep deep deep deep down happy.

I went to my first Yoga class.
My daughter took me as a gift.
I loved every moment of it.
Every silent hysterical moment of it.

First of all it was some kind of "restoration" yoga--oops "restorative" yoga.
As my daughter said afterward it was like an organized nap.
We flopped around on the floor getting into positions (I mean poses) very like what any 18 month old sleeps in.  We never did stand up.
The teacher was quite lovely.  Let's get that out of the way right now.
But the minute I get into a situation that is supposed to be silent and serious---
I get the giggles.  Which I love. There are few things better than giggles.
Suppressed are the best.  Church communion was great for giggles.  Quiet libraries.  Funerals.

The minute I got quiet and my breathing slowed down, my natural desire to be naughty and rebellious got kicked up.  Which made me happy.  Which made me giddy with the wrong kind of gratitude.

I knocked my block over--my glasses were on it.
When I put my hands down my rings clunked.
We had blankets to use which along with the mats and bolsters reminded me of Kindergarten naps--which I flunked for talking too much.

The leader told us to forget our "to do" list which totally activated mine.
We were not to think about Monday tasks.  Right.  My Monday is now all planned.
I began to remember weird  unfinished tasks like buying a wig for a young bald woman in Mexico.  True.  Random "to do's" came pouring out of me.  I wanted a court reporter to quietly capture them.  So incredibly productive.  My mind was on fire. My adrenaline was coursing.  

The teacher told us to settle into the quiet and fire engines with full blown sirens went by.  Oh I loved it.  

I had such a good time.  Semi-sleeping on the floor by my daughter was nice and cozy too like having lunch with no talk and calories.  I was good and quiet as we put away our toys.  I tiptoed out reverently like everyone else.  I was ready to honor my daughter's practice.

We sat outside the classroom for a minute before getting in the car.  My daughter looked at me and said, "I have my whole life planned out for the next three months."  We  had a good guffaw.  What's better?

So when I am guided into my deepest, most authentic self, I like who I am.
Happy.  Ready to laugh and be naughty.  Full of crazy joy.  On the surface, I may be a mess, but deep deep deep ohm deep, I am happy.  I love yoga.