DIGGING FOR JOY

I know so many people who are in trying situations, facing real deal trials of love, health, family, work, money, meaning, conflict and all the other kind of stuff we humans bump seem to have to manage. (I'm talking big trials not the daily irritation kind.) And it's made me a little curmudgeonly and sour.

I have read many a book on positive thinking, purposeful thinking, manifestations of good thinking and religious thinking that help us chase happiness. Some of the reading is pure 'pap' and some are profound.

What I do know from my experience is shifting perspective from the negative to the positive is an essential skill and that gratitude is the vehicle. Usually I'm quite good a joy but today—not so much. So I decided to dig for my joy.

Shovel by shovel:

News of brave new efforts for good of any kind bring me joy and hope.
Please check out www.ronclarkacademy.com that brings new methods to teaching. Double joy that my adult daughter brought me to this news.

Learning something new for the purpose of creating. I'm going to learn Garage Band at the Apple Store so I can produce programs for far away grandchildren.

Thinking about all the wonderful books I have in front of me with cups of coffee to accompany them.

Using my brand new professional quality colored pencils to mess around with a cover for the book I've written; I PRAY ANYWAY--Devotions for the Ambivalent.

Reading cookbooks.

Writing--almost anything

New ideas used in a practical way

Remembering people who love me who don't have to

Looking at a newly planted window box--neat and tidy and ready for growth

Stories from my adult kids about things that please and excite them

Stretching beyond habit and fear to new adventure no matter how minuscule

Breaking my own rules that are restrictive rather than expanding

Stopping when I am finished.

And I am. Joy glimmers. Had to dig today.

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES MAKES ME NUTS AND IS THE SKILL OF THE FUTURE OF OUR PLANET

How's that for a grandiose statement?
Pardon me, I'm in a hurry.
Babysitting for granddaughter today.

Why this topic when I have to hurry?
Well, it's my burp today.

My husband and I are very different (not in values or interests)
We go through the day differently.
We make decisions differently
Our aesthetic is different
We wend our way around this until we don't
Then it's a giant pain.  We are both trained coaches which means we fight with
finesse!!!

There comes a point of acceptance, meaning one of you giving up what you want for the common good.  How often?  How chronically?  How generously?  How balanced?
All good questions. Hard even to answer under one roof. (PS-I know there are relationships that are magically aligned about everything. Congratulations!)

What I really think about is the world. Different races, different cultures, different economic systems, different values, different differences will have to learn to suck it up and dig deep to accept one another for the greater good of survival.  So let's  practice where we can.  I want a no victim world.  

START BY DISCARDING ALL AT ONCE, INTENSELY AND COMPLETELY

That title is a quote from the life-changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo.
It's a best seller and quite good.

The issue of clutter and simplifying is, as they say, "on trend".  It's in every 
magazine. I have a daughter who says reading about de-cluttering makes her nervous especially because she bought yet another object (magazine or book)
to think about it instead of doing it. There's a double bind for you!

How did this happen? How did we get so over-stuffed? As I look back, I had an odd and good dynamic in my childhood. I had everything I wanted AND nothing that I didn't want. I had the bike I wanted. I had the prom dress I wanted. 
I had the lessons I wanted. There was no extra. There were no resources for extra. I could name right now my childhood books and most of my high school clothes—with relish and fond memories. I can't do the same with my closet right now or my book shelf.

Liked, clogged arteries, the stuff sneaks up on you. Why now and not then?
—We all began to think we were rich so we acted like it. Advertising supported it and credit cards accelerated it.
—Shopping became recreation and therapy and that idea is looked at as valid
—Modern life is anxiety producing and over-buying (like over-eating) is soothing
—The momentary stimulation of "new" feels good and relieves little and big pain
—We are numb to excess because of so much excess. We've forgotten what "just enough" feels like, how good "just enough" can be.
—Most purchases are impulse rather than considered due to time and availability. We've forgotten how to choose the exact right thing. We buy one or two or three and hope one of them works.
—The instability of both our personal and global world makes us have to have it now, because we don't trust the tomorrow that's coming. Or in other words, the worlds a mess, so I'll buy that purse, that car, that boat, those shoes and worry later. Delayed worrying is consumer denial.

I have set a new environmental psychological,aesthetic, ethical standard for my self. I want only what I want and nothing that I don't. Now to get that into my DNA and my daily practice! I'd love some comments from you about "stuff"—
how you manage it, think about it, love it, leave it, whatever.  

HOW MUCH DIFFERENCE CAN A FRIENDSHIP HOLD?

I ask this because I have re-connected with a college friend from my Freshman year when we were inseparable. We even managed to be sure that any guys we dated were friends too. We lost track of one another. On-line-ability re-established our connection. 

We have revelled in how much we are still very much the same two women we were in college. We write often and about anything. Including religion.  And we have discovered areas in which we are very very different.  She is a confirmed Atheist and I, a passionate searcher.  I go to action.  She goes to thought. Her life makes sense, is calm, sanity prevails. My life is too full, with many crazy happenings, my own brand of chaotic creativity. Sometimes the differences are profound and sometimes trivial. There may be an awkward moment.

I am blessed with several intimate friendships.  We maneuver through our differences gracefully.  We tend toward full frankness and trust but know when to soft peddle our sharp edged differences. We protect the relationship more than the content of the friendship. We keep the connection of goodwill even if it gets awkward due to a difference. Hurts occur. Comfort always returns. Trust remains. This friendship dance is one that countries and marriages should learn to do.

So, how much difference can a friendship hold?
All that it needs to.

BEST SELF-HELP TOOL EVER!

I'm thinking of the DNA of my culture which is the United States. We talk a lot.
A whole lot.  If we can't talk, we keep a radio or television or streaming music with us as background. We fill in empty spaces in conversation. Heaven forbid, that there is a pause longer than five seconds. (There are all kinds of cross-cultural studies on this type of observation.)

And we also love love love "self-help" books and speakers and tapes and conferences.  Words, words, words (to make you thin, happy, less anxious,
a better parent, have a better memory) fill the air everywhere.  Improve for Pete's sake!  Do not accept yourself as you are because if you work hard enough you can finally be perfect!!!

And we also work every minute even if we are playing.  Ski more, ski better.
Improve your game. Cook faster. Measure. Improve. Keep score. Win. Your "playing" should be get better and better also.

Here is what I do to detox from this cultural frenzy and constant push.
I wrap myself in SOLITUDE. I sequester myself. Alone. Quiet. No reading. I takes some discipline to enter into solitude. Takes about awhile to settle in. I twitch at first thinking of all I could be doing. But then comes all kinds of good stuff—contentment for no reason, seeing more clearly, literally and a  slowing down of interior babble. Sometimes reflection and insight slide into view.

I don't meditate in any formal way. I just sit and let solitude do its work which aligns my inside and my outside and reminds me of all that is good. No effort. Just SOLITUDE. Cheap too.

17 or 71?

Last week a friend asked me two things: "Do you feel old and what was your favorite decade?"

I don't think much about age at all. I hang-out with people who are younger than I am or much older.  This friend is one of the few age peers I have.
I am seventy-one. Burp, burp. Truth burp. Belch.

Anyway, this is kind of what I said. Yes,"kind of".  Some thoughts are for best friends only.

I feel old when:
—I realize that soon all my kids will be older than 40! 
—I prepare for holidays in installments rather than pulling an all-nighter after a
day of work
—I have at least one doctor appointment a week
—I am embarrassed to dance in public (only slightly and wine helps immediately)
—I'd rather watch exotic travel on TV than pack to do it (I may be lying here)
—I see college classmate photos at reunions (I assume I look just as much a caricature of themselves as I do)

No, I don't care much about being 71 because I feel like a teenage who is 17!
That, I don't like at all:

—I obsess about the opposite sex albeit my husband's health
—Don't want to think about the future so it bites me in the backside
—Don't want any chores and stall about doing them
—Worry about how I look when I go out (I live in fleece and flannel)
—Not sure what my place in the world is 
—Want no consequences for my actions

PS--My favorite decade was my forties!

FOR EVERY 'YES' THERE IS A 'NO'

I wrote this for my leadership blog today but want to do a personal reminder to all of us as we spend our more and more "precious" time.  We often ignore the partner 'no' to our 'yes'. You'll know it's there when you are less engaged than you want to be in your action and when you are irritated by what you are doing. Being half-assed is pure waste  because it avoids the clean 'yes'/'no' sharp edge and demand--no big benefit, no big pain.  
This is true like a law of physics.

The laws of 'yes' and 'no':

l. A 'yes' always has a partner that is 'no'.

2. The bigger the 'yes', the bigger the 'no'.

3. Too many times the partner is invisible.

4. The hidden 'yes' and 'no' can be a very bad surprise.

5. It's important to make the invisible partner to 'yes' or 'no' visible

6. The 'yes'/'no' is not simply a trade-off.

7. The shadow of 'yes' or 'no' is a given, never goes away. 

8. When a decision is painful and avoided, look for the hidden 'yes' or 'no'. Make it conscious and specific.